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The ‘Freedom Convoy’ has turned Canada into America

One of the greatest things about Canada was that America never paid attention to us.

Canada stood quietly in the corner, sipping a Molson and nibbling poutine, as America dominated the cocktail party with narcissistic chest-thumping and navel-gazing. America was the prom queen. Canada was the nerd who helped with homework. America cared only about America. And Canada politely trudged forth in the shadow of a friendly and self-centred superpower.

It was beautiful.

Now these protesting truckers in Ottawa have screwed up the dynamic.

America is suddenly fixated on Canada. And what America sees is more America.

Fox News, the most watched cable news network, went live in 1996. Between then and about three weeks ago, I’m pretty sure the word “Canada” was mentioned maybe 14 times on air. And that was often because an anchor mispronounced “empanada.” Fox cared about Canada less than Pete Davidson cares about “Donda 2.”

We were dead to Fox News. It was glorious. The second a bloviating Sean Hannity takes an active interest in, say, Moose Jaw, that is only bad news for Moose Jaw.

Now? To Fox, Canada might as well be BLM, illegal immigration, critical race theory, a trans M&M or Hillary Clinton with bugging devices sewn into the inseam of her pantsuit. We are suddenly on Fox’s radar and these rabble rousers are tracking phantom blips by the hour.

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A couple of days ago, Tucker Carlson told his gullible audience Canada is a “dictatorship.” I had no idea. Does this mean I have to keep paying capitalistic taxes or will government thugs in Maple Leaf masks force me to start farming lima beans? Mr. Carlson, like many of his fellow travellers on the reactionary right, was apoplectic after Justin Trudeau invoked the Emergencies Act to try to break up the so-called “Freedom Convoy” in Ottawa. I’d be curious to hear Trucker Carlson’s response if idling behemoths choked off his street and occupied his neighbourhood.

Elon Musk recently shared a meme in which he compared Trudeau to Hitler. Bill Maher also recently name-checked Hitler to describe Trudeau’s comments on the unvaccinated. Our PM, once a darling to international media, is now hated by those on the left and the right.

There is a reasonable debate to be had over Trudeau’s handling of this protest. But since reasonable debate is now an oxymoron, grab your bayonet. Some will argue Trudeau’s hands were tied. Others will say this protest turned into one big honking, traffic-snarling, supply chain disruption because he sits on his hands. I’m somewhere in between.

But as a triple-vaccinated Canadian who has dutifully abided by all medical and physical distancing protocols for two years, these truckers are getting on my nerves. Enough already. Call in the army and dismantle this foreign-funded temper tantrum. Yes, we need truckers. I get it. Everyone has the right to protest. I get it. People are sick of the pandemic. I get it. But what exactly are the truckers protesting, beyond showcasing how internet conspiracies and U.S. political polarization have destroyed their capacity to think independently while delivering goods?

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On Thursday’s “The Daily Show,” correspondent Jordan Klepper visited our capital to interview the “Freedom Convoy.” I have watched his past dispatches from MAGA rallies, where the lunacy on display was beyond comprehension. This wasn’t much better.

I was embarrassed for the truckers. I was embarrassed for my country.

One rig in Ottawa was emblazoned with: “No Vax Passports. No Lockdowns. No Mandates.”

Sure. Let’s just have a society in which blinding ignorance and personal freedom are tantamount. Yeah, how dare the dictators tell me to shovel snow? I demand the libertarian autonomy to watch my fellow compatriots slip and fall in the icy slop. No, I do not have a commercial truck licence. How dare the communists tell me I need one to drive an 18-wheeler?

That is my right. Everything in this world boils down to my rights. Why can’t I just punch someone in the mouth? Why must I cover my genitals in public? I don’t believe in seatbelts. I think my choice to blast gangsta rap at 4 a.m. trumps my neighbour’s right to quiet. Why must I take a ticket at the deli or passport office? If I’m craving black forest ham or a trip to Hawaii, everyone else needs to STFU and not interfere with what I want because my rights come first.

I will do whatever I want, whenever I want, even during a global pandemic.

When the “Daily Show” can do a stopover in Ottawa and compile enough footage of Canadian protesters in Q merch or with “F–k Trudeau” painted on the sides of their trucks, that’s a wrap. This protest has nothing to do with the virus or mitigation efforts, agree or disagree. This protest is a toxic manifestation of the tribal politics that have already made America more dysfunctional than a Chuck E. Cheese run by alcoholic human smugglers.

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And that is why America is transfixed by Canada now: We have turned into them.

It’s like an arsonist watching his kid brother pick up kerosene and a match.

Please knock it off, “Freedom Convoy.” Please stop getting your info from the fringe. When the MyPillow guy — arguably the most delusional dipstick alive — hails you as freedom fighters, that should be a sign you have profoundly misjudged the end game.

Canada needs to get back to being Canada. We are so close to getting back to normal.

Turning into America is only going to delay our return journey.

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